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Have you ever had a cover letter or resume come across your desk that made you laugh because it contained a glaring error or typo? Personnel expert Robert Half has, and he calls these comical blunders "Resumania."
Half, founder of Menlo Park, Calif.-based Accountemps, the world's largest temporary service for accounting, finance and information technology professionals, has collected "Resumania" for over 40 years.
He advises job-seekers to carefully proof-read resumes before sending them to prospective employers-making sure they don't give too much information.
Here are some examples he has collected:
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten."
"Suspected to graduate early next year."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Have had littel luck in finding a new and challenging position."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty."
"I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
"Work Experience: Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks."
"Education: College, August 1880 - 1984."
"Work Experience: Responsibilities included checking customers out."
"Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving."
"I am a great team player I am."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
"Very experienced with out-house computers."
"Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve."
"1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science."
"I never take anything for granite."
"To Home-Ever it concerns."
"Reason for leaving: maturity leave."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"
"I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment."
"I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine."
"At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Qualifications: I have a current passport."
"Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success."
"I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights."
"Completed 11 years of high school."
"Shot at the local gun club."
Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. For those of you going on interviews, don't try these.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later with a hairpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the company logo tattooed on his fore arm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer certain interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the most unusual questions that have ever been asked by job candidates:
What is the company motto?
Why aren't you in a more interesting business?
What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?
Why do you want references?
Do I have to dress for the next interview?
I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?
Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?
Does your health insurance cover pets?
Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?
Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?
Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?
Why am I here?
Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movements.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was right I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw up.
You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend.
Try this line: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.
Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers, having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways.
He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations. Or LIAR, for short.
LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise, Thornton explained last week.
Some examples from LIAR:
To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
To describe a person with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation.
In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
When the writer uses LIAR, however, whether perceived correctly or not by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof, Thornton said.
Now that school is out for many people, many jobs are being sought. Here in the Atlanta area, this last Sunday's paper had 7 sections of help wanted ads! That's a lot of jobs! To help people get just that right job, I'm pleased to provide a valuable glossary of job related terms.
Terms for Employers:
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:"
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:"
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:"
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"
Once it's shared between the executives, there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:"
We'll offer you $22k to start.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:"
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:"
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:"
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
You whine, you're fired.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:"
We loooooove brown-nosers.
Terms for Applicants:
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
While working with Mr. Juneau, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Juneau should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.
/Signed/
Branch Manager